My notebook

I am desirable

I have spent quite some time struggling with my body, my weight, my figure etc. And you might say this is not an uncommon thing, and you would be right. But there are some things I have discovered in this process that I think would be worth sharing.

I think my ‘obsession’ (because for a time I think it was indeed an obsession) started with my mother’s well meant concern for my well being, i.e. my figure. I always like to say my mom has a reversed food addiction. She is always fussing over what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat, for as long as I can remember. I don’t know why she does it, but is sure has influenced me. I have been feeling overweight since about my 2nd year into high school (in my school system, that means I was about 13). And looking at pictures of me from back then I realize I had absolutely nothing to worry about! I might have been a bit more than slim, but I was certainly never overweight. It was just the, again well meant, comments from my mother which led me to feeling that way. Dieting never really worked, sports were not my thing (and I have this knee condition that’s not really helping..) so I slowly started gaining weight anyway. I have the luck of having a lot of self confidence and a strong personality, so the ‘problem’  with my weight didn’t affect my general confidence much. It was, however, always that ‘problem’ just lurking beneath the surface.

Now, it didn’t really get to the point that I was actually a bit overweight until I went to university about a year and a half ago. Now that I am, in fact, a bit overweight and it actually shows, I realize how completely wrong I was for thinking I was too fat all those years before! I started talking about this with my sister and she gave me some really good advice. Her idea of food is that food should be FUN. And I completely agree. The only problem is that implementing this idea into my life turned out really well in the first week, but not so much later on. I’m often just too lazy to cook, to make something fun out of my food. I found out I mostly regard food as a necessity, as bothersome, as something that keeps tricking me into gaining more weight. So, I thought, for me the solution is not changing my diet. 

Because the problem is not the food itself, the problem is the negative relationship between my body and the food. What I’ve realized is that you can’t start losing weight if you don’t accept yourself and love yourself wíth the weight. What I mean is, I didn’t think I was sexy, or pretty, with my body looking the way it looks now. And trying to lose weight from a point of denial of yourself or rejection of yourself will, in my opinion, not work out the way you want it to. Because just losing the weight will not solve that problem. You have to be able to love yourself, and think of yourself as desirable, even with the weight.

From the moment I realized I was actually a bit overweight now, I vowed to always keep looking at myself in the mirror. To not deny my own body but make peace with it. And it helped. It was a slow process, at times probably even an unconscious one, but lately I’ve realized that it has worked. Now, when I look in the mirror, I see a sexy full-bodied girl with gorgeous curves, a pretty face and a lot to offer!

And from that point of loving your body in any way, shape or form, you can start losing weight if you want to, and making your food FUN. But you won’t be doing it just for the weight any more. It’ll be a  by-product of taking good and loving care of yourself, choosing the food that you know is right for you. It will be the by-product of feeling energized, cleansed and free. Eating healthier won’t just be a case of less calories, but of making choices  made fun by your acceptance, love and happiness for yourself. And if from time to time you don’t succeed in eating well or losing weight, it won’t be as bad, because you like the way you look anyway. Food isn’t the devil, it’s your friend, if you let it.

I love life in the fall

So, I am in love with the fall. I don’t know what it is about thunderstorms, rain, swirling colorful leaves and windy, chilly days but I just love to be outside in the fall.

I love the fall in the “suburbs”, where my parents live and I grew up. Just a few steps and you’re surrounded by nature. I remember this one day in the fall, I was about nine years old, when my mother and I went on a hike. A couple of minutes in, the sky started to darken and these big fat rain clouds were covering the sky. The wind picked up its pace and it started to rain. Hard. Leaves were swirling, rain was falling, we were walking hunched, walking slowly. But it was so much fun. We started singing these old children’s songs from my mothers childhood and we sang all the way home. It was amazing, definitely one of my happiest memories.

I love the fall in the city too, where I live now. Especially around twilight, when the sky turns the color of the coloring leaves and you can smell the night air… There is something about the smell of night falling in the fall. A week or so ago there was a storm, complete with thunder, hard gusts of wind (so hard I had to step off my bike and walk part of the way home from school) and big drops of steady rain. At about 7 pm (it wasn’t completely dark yet) I couldn’t contain myself anymore and set out to the supermarket across the street, just to have an excuse for being outside in that weather. The wet pavement, leaves flying at my face, the wind pulling branches off trees, I was delighted. There is nothing like looking up at the leafy canopy of tall trees in the middle of a storm.

Fall makes me think of orange, brown and red. Wet forests, bouquets of sharpened pencils, the smell of damp earth, a fireplace, hot coco, the sound of rain against my window pane, wet pavements. Thick woolen scarves, warm coats, old books. Needless to say, all things that I love.

Looking out my window, sitting on my couch, I can see only the canopies of the slowly thinning, green and orange leaved trees on the street outside. Being outside in the fall is great, but there is also a certain quality to looking out your window at the display with a hot cup of tea.